Searching for a “unique” name to bestow upon your spawn? You’re not alone. To keep your youngster from getting lost in a sea of Jaydens and Averys, look no further than the world of cheese.

Girls:

• Brie
• Ricotta
• Mozzarella (Ella for short)
• Rennette
• Ema
• Palmita
• Obatzda
• Dunavia
• Chhena
• Raclette
• Tyrosemiophilia

Boys:

• Roquefort
• Fynbo, Danbo, or Tybo (very easy to nickname)
• Caseus
• Herve
• Croque-monsieur (it has “mister” right in the name, you see)
• Rodoric
• Marcellin
• Tomme
• Fondue (you can call him Dewy)
• D’Whey

Unisex:

• Colby
• Anari
• Monterey
• Dil
• Roumy
• Urnebes
• Edam
• Korall
• Bluvayne
• Pule (it’s like naming your kid Diamond, but tastier)

The Ghost of New Year's Resolutions Past

The beginning of the new year is a perfect time to think about changing your life for the better. I prefer to set a simple goal or two (previously, each New Year has heralded a resolve to find a new job before its end, for example), but I am no stranger to attempts to make sweeping changes to my life. Here are 10 I didn’t make this Jan. 1:

• Take up running (again).
• Write the Great American Novel, or its lesser-known cousin, the Passable Indianan-turned-Californian-and-aspiring-future-Seattleite Novel.
• Capture each food memory on Instagram. Every. Last. One.
• Quit doing nangs.
• Toilet-train the cats, or at least Baroness. That one already loves the bathroom.
• Live each day like it’s my last (LYLASBAWLM).
• Win a donut-eating contest.
• Win a bacon-eating contest.
• Win a sneaker-eating contest.
• Get a new couch (just kidding, I am totally doing this).

World’s Greatest Dad
After his son dies in an awkward freak accident, high school poetry teacher Lance ghostwrites a suicide note to spare the family embarrassment. But when the note becomes an unexpected hit, Lance sees a chance to resurrect his writing career.

Mesrine: Part 1: Killer Instinct
This blistering biopic stars Vincent Cassel as notorious French gangster Jacques Mesrine. The first in a duology, the film details the genesis of Mesrine’s career, including an incident in the army that gave him his first taste of violent power.

Where Are All the UFOs?
Through first-person accounts, archival footage and shocking photographs, this program probes the controversial topic of UFOs, a subject that gained immense popularity after a pilot spotted a formation of flying disks over Washington state in 1947.

Thor
In this Marvel Comics-inspired action flick, thunder god Thor finds himself banished by his father, Odin, and forced to live among humans on Earth to learn humility. Can Thor regain his powers and return home?

Atlas Shrugged: Part 1
Ayn Rand’s controversial bestseller is the basis for this potent drama about Dagny Taggart, a fiercely independent railroad tycoon determined to use innovative technology and enterprising partners to revive her business, no matter the personal cost.

Dinosaurs: Giants of Patagonia: IMAX
Donald Sutherland narrates this larger-than-life IMAX production that explores the history, evolution and extinction of the dinosaurs. Travel to the Patagonia region of South America to witness some of paleontology’s most amazing discoveries.

Season of the Witch
In 14th-century Europe, a courageous knight leads a group of weary warriors across impossibly treacherous terrain in order to transport a suspected witch believed to be responsible for spreading the devastating Black Plague.

Drink if you encounter…

• cultural misappropriation (Indigenous headdresses, bindi, harem pants, etc.)
• a dude in a tank top
• a dude in no shirt at all
• a contact high
• a portapotty with toilet paper
• a girl wearing cutoffs and cowboy boots (two drinks if tights are involved)

Take a shot if you come across…

• a conversation containing “It’s all about the music for me”
• a conversation containing “I just wanna DANCE!”
• your ex
• a barefoot person dancing
• Rambo
• a t-shirt from another outdoor music festival

Go to the bottle if…

• you see more than one of your exes
• a stranger succeeds in giving you a high five
• a beach ball hits you in the head

Don’t be an entitled jerk. When writing an ad, there’s no need to say things like “I will not respond to anyone who asks me if the item is still available” or “I will only sell to someone who will stay for dinner” or my personal favorite, “I will not respond to emails” (hello, you are on the internet). But this can go both ways: Don’t email presuming that this person wants to sell to you. Try saying “please” and “thank you” and heck, simply spelling words properly. Manners go a long way, you will see.

Communicate. That means responding to emails and clearing your voicemail if you ask people to call. If you’re going to be late to pick up the item, let a sister know, OK?

Don’t flake. If you email a buyer 10 minutes before you’re supposed to show up to say that sorry, you got caught up with work and cannot come to view or pick up the item at that time or ever, anyone can tell you’re lying. When you email the same person “anonymously” via Craigslist the very next day about another item they’re selling, they’re going to remember your record.

Don’t ghost. Email once with a question or an information tidbit and then disappear? Exchange a few emails, but when the time comes to set a meeting, drop off the face of the earth? Not cool, dude. I know you have commitment issues, but if you’ve changed your mind, just say, “I’ve changed my mind.” They’ll understand. It’s so easy!

Don’t Internet-stalk people who are just trying to have an ordinary goods-for-cash exchange. Normal human relationships eventually involve a certain amount of Googling. But Craigslist is not a place for normal human relationships. Don’t call multiple times, ask the same questions over and over, and comment on the website of your potential buyer or seller. If you do, don’t be surprised when you get an email saying that oops, the item is no longer available and a TRO has been filed.

Don’t post pictures of your penis. You’re welcome.

-

ALL OF THE KITTENS

At Least I Have the Apostrophe

Beer in My Hair: Reflections on America

Just Trying to Get Married, LOL?

The End of Garlic

No, Seriously, ALL OF THE KITTENS

Lyfe on the Wyld Syde

MODERN TECHNOLOGY: No Typewriters Allowed

Sandwich by Sandwich

FOREVER 99: or, How I Learned to Stop Hating Fashion and Start Loving When Things Don’t Have Holes in Them

An Examination of Straws

My Astral Pregnancy

2Bizzy4Romance

On Eating Bugs by Accident

Biblical Knowing: With a Vengeance

Is This Really Life at the Outpost?

2. Prick open a capsule of Nyquil. Squeeze out the liquid and spread it onto your cuticles because hey, why not?

3. Let dirty dishes pile up until a family of raccoons moves in. Then provide shredded newspaper for them to build nests and raise babies. Remember to keep your Theraflu out of reach.

4. Brainstorm titles for your reality television show. My working title is “1,000 Cats Later.”

5. Have conversations with commercials. “No, I don’t need another reason to call.” “Yes, your ‘Jumbaco’ idea was moronic.” “Wow, that is reasonably priced.”

6. Open a can of soup. Pour it into a microwavable dish. Slurp it up cold because it’s been days since you ate anything besides Hall’s and you just can’t wait any longer, god damn it.

7. Use your arms to drag your limp, phlegm-soaked body to the closet in search of a pair of clean underwear. This should take the better part of a day.

8. Have lucid nightmares about the Snuggles fabric softener teddy bear. You’d think there’d be a lot less blood, for his size.

9. Run a bath, and light some nice-smelling candles nearby. Forget you had done that and fall asleep on the rug. The bath water will act as a natural extinguisher of the inevitable fire.

10. If you do make it into the bath before the water gets cold or your house burns down, put your face in the water and inhale. If it doesn’t clear your sinuses, it will make your situation more comfortable.

SF bay area craigslist > san francisco > for sale / wanted > bicycles

very old bike, probably not fixable – $50 (downtown / civic / van ness)

Date: 2011-11-01, 11:24PM PDT
Reply to: your anonymous craigslist address will appear here

i got this 1976 aquarius bike in 2009 from a shady person wearing a wifebeater in walnut creek. it’s become very hard to ride, and the guy at mike’s a couple weeks ago was all, “they don’t even make parts for this anymore, plus it’s not your size, n00b,” and i was like, “okay, please sell me a new bike.”

Sadie likes having me around more.

Related to that, I need a job! I’m available for literally any job that requires mastery of the English language: full-time, part-time, freelance, contract. Please send your unwanted recruiter calls and job openings my way.

You can follow my unemployment adventures here. It’s been a fun two weeks, but I’m ready to have an income again. I’m impatient and freaking out. Thanks for reading!

xo,
s

I was thinking about his hands and how cold mine were, and then I realized I was just watching a rerun of CSI: Miami. But they were really soft in the park in the sun as we drank unemployment away. That didn’t last long.

“You’re really hard to get a hold of,” I said. He shrugged. “The past two weeks have been so busy.” I called a baby an asshole; he told his friends we had sex. Neither was true, but I laughed anyway because our collective dickishness seemed charming for some reason.

I got sick of it and dragged us to another bar, one where we didn’t have to sit outside and wonder who might pass. Secondhand smoke entered my nostrils. I wanted a cigarette but didn’t say anything. I wanted more to drink but didn’t want to come off like a lush. I wanted some drugs, but that’s always the way. I told him about a dream I had, but he was on the phone.

“What do you want?”
“Orange juice.”
“I am NOT getting you an orange juice. You need a drink.”
“Ugh, but I really want orange juice.”
“Too bad. I am the one with the money right now.”
“Fine. Miller High Life, or PBR, I guess.”

He needed a drink to calm the fuck down. So I brought the cold can back to the table by the door and dragged him over to the jukebox. I still wanted him, needed him to want me. So I let him pick some jams, and then I picked a few. He drank less than half of his PBR. I didn’t argue; the stuff is vile. We left just as our songs started.

The next bar was all sweat and bodies and beautiful, freaky dance stench. I wasn’t dressed for it. Neither was anyone else. I tore off some clothes and tried to make the best of it. Sometimes I dance and lose my balance. Sometimes a clueless fuck stomps on my foot. But I sweat balls and persevere, and sometimes I think I look sexy. I needed more drinks but was out of cash.

Somehow he ended up at my house eating an apple and my pussy, tucking me in, apologizing, and leaving out the back. My brain and my body buzzed for hours.